That is how I am feeling right now. It is how I have been feeling since my last post. Today just happened to be the breaking point for me. It has been feeling like all my efforts to get proper paperwork, doctors appointments, etc. have failed. Today I felt like any hope I had to keep fighting was lost. Why try anymore? Is this really how I am going to be the rest of my life? If so, then why I am I fighting so hard to get results that will never come?
I had been filing for Medicaid with the state since I am not working. That itself is a very long and annoying process. Instead of just sending everything at once, the state sends little parts of paperwork along the way. By the time my doctor got the most important piece of documents, there was little time to get it sent back in to the state. After it was sent in, the next day I received notice that it was turned in a day late. What does that mean? It means I have to start the application process all over again. I wanted to scream, but I held it in. I got right to work and started the process all over again. It is one thing to fill out all the paperwork when you are well; it is another to fill it out when you are sick. The task is that much more daunting and it feels like there are ten times the amount of paperwork.
To the unknown person it would seem that living at my parents means laying around all day watching Netflix. I wish that were the case. Instead, it is more along the lines of: "Mom, I need you take me to the doctors in American Fork, now to the one in West Jordan. Well, now I need to go get blood work done at this hospital, but I need a CT scan at this other hospital." The days are filled with one doctor visit after another. In between that, is dealing with the pain, dizziness, and needing to rest from all that activity. I am really frustrated that tomorrow will be four weeks since I have been off of the nasty medication and the only improvement from that is that I am not as sick to my stomach anymore. The results from the blood work that the special ear doctor ordered have not been read yet. So once again, more waiting.
The other day there was a big miscommunication on one of my doctors end. Well more like their nurses. It offended and angered me so much so that I had the complaint taken up with the director of the clinic. I say it was a miscommunication because I am giving my doctor that benefit. What was said contradicted everything she told me along with a diagnosis that was never ever given to me, nor is it on my medical records. So I am hoping it is strictly the nurses error. I should know in a week how the problem will be solved. After that I really wanted to cry but I held it in. I was just fuming. Luckily though, it was $5 dollar Tuesday at the theater so I was taken to see "Spectre" to cheer me up a bit. It did.
Today however, is when I completely lost it. We met with the Thoracic Surgeon. I do not have nice things to say about that man. He was cold, unprepared, and not willing to give me a glimmer of hope with anything. Instead he proceeds to tell me that not everything has a cure. Well thank you for that information doctor. I am not an idiot, but if there is a chance of something working, then try. I mean my goodness, if everything was never tried because it seemed too complicated then nothing would be done. I had to get a CT Scan done because the x-ray did not show a clear image. He said if the scan showed something then perhaps he would operate. If it did not, then he suggested killing the nerve. Now before he said this, he of course had to examine me. That requires touching the rib. but once again because he did not read up on everything, the first thing he does is presses really hard. I was prepared for some touching on the rib. Not like he did it though. So I am fighting hard to keep those tears back. I am doubtful that the killing of the nerve will work. I have had nerve blocks before and there was no success. It lasted 5 minutes after the procedure was done. I told the surgeon this. I asked him if that did not work, what would he do then? I poured it all out to him. How it has been ten years, all the medicine I have tried, etc. He just looked at me and said: "I am not going to open you up if there is nothing there.". So then the tears started to come. I could not handle the pain anymore and his jerk reaction to me was the final straw. I understand if it is impossible to remove the rib, but it is not. I understand that if there is nothing to see, it is complicated to go in. What he could have said to make me, the patient feel better about if it does not work was: "If the killing of the nerve does not work, then let me review your disease a little more. Let me research to see for a better possibility of trying to get you better and out of pain". Instead I got "there is not a cure for everything". All I wanted was some kind of hope that he would try and help. I felt very dismissed.
So, because he aggravated the rib so badly, I ended up crying all the way home and for a few more minutes after. The rest of the day I did sit and watch movies. With everything that went on this past week, it has felt like the people who were in my corner fighting with and for me gave up. The only one left fighting still is my mom. But I am pretty sure she is a saint and direct blessing from God to have her in my life and be strong for me. But I even feel like most of my friends have given up as well. Whether any of that is true or not, it is how I feel. It is a day where I just want to be sad, angry, and cry. Because if the people I count on the the most to help me get through and fight are giving up, then why should I keep trying? Is this how I am going to be the rest of my life? Unable to walk on my own, unable to work, drive, close my hands all the way, be in pain every single day of my life until I die? If so, then why have goals and dreams? I cannot accomplish them so what is the point?
The point is, it is okay to have a day where all those kinds of thoughts come into your mind. It is okay to be sad, to be frustrated, and to just want to stay in bed for the day until you can get your composure back. I believe it is necessary to have moments like that. If you never have a good cry, or a day to just be mad about it all then you will never heal. You will just keep building up the anger and resentment and that is when you put yourself in a box. Like I always say, I can be in pain and be depressed all day every day, but the pain is still there. Or, I can be in pain and live life the best that I can, even with a few bumps along the way, but at least I will be happy or be striving to be. The pain is there no matter which way you go. So take a day or two. Cry it out. Watch a depressing movie and get over it and move on. Move towards your goals and do no let people or illness stop you from your dreams. In my case, I think I need another day to get over myself and this bad week. I only mentioned half of the bad news and depressing moments that happened this week.